April 03, 2016
BY JUDY CARMACK BROSS
The most important guiding principle of human existence is to give at least as much as you take. Sometimes this giving can take the form of mentorship, one of the most meaningful examples of altruism. But being a mentor isn’t always easy – it often takes a great deal of experience and knowledge. And once you have those, there is no assurance that the guidance you provide or advice you give will be taken to heart or implemented.
With all of that in mind, I pose this week’s question:
How can we be good mentors?
Three of the wisest people I know beautifully answered my quandary.
Vicki Hood
Vicki Hood, Chicago lawyer and Northwestern University mentor.
A highly respected lawyer at Kirkland & Ellis, Vicki Hood is one of Chicago’s most involved and elegant leaders, also serving on several non-profit boards. She and her husband Bill, parents of sons Elliott and Tyler, have earned the love and admiration of countless friends. In addition to more informal mentoring she does in her field, in her firm, and beyond, Vicki also sits on the Council of 100 at Northwestern University, a group of one hundred successful women from graduate and undergraduate schools at Northwestern, that works to mentor undergraduates in a formal summer program.
“Some of my mentoring is very informal, with young women at the firm who have various concerns about what it takes to succeed in a large and demanding law firm practice, and whether it is the right place for them long term.
“I am often asked by friends and business associates to meet with younger professional women, not just lawyers, to see if there is something I can do to help them in their careers. Sometimes it is making the right connection for them at work and other times it is helping them get connected with a charitable organization that they would like to volunteer for, but are not quite sure how to get to the right people. When you think about it, after being in the workplace for many years and working with several not-for-profits as a volunteer, you really do know a lot of people.”
What makes a good mentor?
Mentors are important because even the best and brightest need advice from someone who has done this before. Assuming that the mentee is just as smart and hard working as most everyone else, a good mentor can make the difference in the success of that mentee.
Have you had mentors?
I wouldn’t say that I had one mentor. Throughout the early years of my legal career, my mentors were all partners at my firm, some much more senior. What I remember most is that our relationship was one of friendship, less of teacher and student. And there was always a feeling of trust, which is very important in a mentor relationship.
What do you think people want from a mentor?
They want what they can’t find in any textbook – the secrets of success. They likely view the mentor as having certain life skills that they would like to develop. These skills cannot be taught in a classroom, and some of the brightest students do not have them. For example, the ability to get along with others, whether working on a group project or sitting opposite someone negotiating a transaction. We have all learned by watching those more senior to us, but to also have a mentor alert you to a situation that they know is going to occur, is very helpful.
What do mentors have to take care not to do?
Mentors can open doors, make connections, or offer advice, but they must let their mentee find their own way. And that way may be something that you would not choose. They are coming to you for practical experience and advice, not to be just like you.
Why mentor? Why spend the time and energy?
We all seem to work better when we are under stress and are busy. You can always find the time, but you will need to be efficient. I believe that being a mentor to someone could have a very positive impact on his or her working life. That seems like a good enough reason to me – along with the fact that it makes me, the mentor, feel good. All of us who have had successful careers do need to give back. We clearly had some help from others more senior to us.
Chris Straus
The University of Chicago’s Chris Straus with dear friend, Sophie Cue.
When thinking of ways to describe Dr. Chris Straus, many adjectives come to mind: wise, compassionate, good-natured, strong, and of course, tall. Chris stays busy professionally as Associate Professor of Radiology at the University of Chicago, also serving as the school’s Director of Medical Studies in the Department of Radiology. Chris stays equally busy outside of the University – he is a master gardener, chef, writer, and supporter of the arts. He somehow also manages to make time to tackle the role of mentor. On a formal basis he mentors both students and medical faculty, teaching situational skills which can help with career advancement. Often he is seen at work with a trail of mentees behind him.
What makes a good mentor?
Experience and the ability to put the position and needs of the person you are supporting ahead of your own situation. Of course you have to be able to relate to your advisee, be willing to share your experience constructively, be positive, be patient, and respectful. The best relationships, ones that are maintained and truly meaningful, develop over years and evolve with time. A mentor is like a ‘sophisticated sounding board’ – how can anyone truly test out possible ideas without interaction?
Have you had mentors?
I have had many and have more than one at a time, of different ages, and for different skills and situations. Mentors do have a few commonalities. They are more experienced in the topic but not necessarily older. The best relationships are when each side is gaining in the exchange.
What do people want from a mentor?
Uniformly, mentees want some form of confirmation that they are not as lost as they might at times feel. A mentor can function at times as a road map, not steering the vehicle but giving insight in what lays ahead, be it good or bad.
What do mentors have to take care not to do?
Don’t talk too much! You must be prepared to listen much more than speak and allow the advisee to express what often they are not yet aware of themselves. Using modern vernacular, the key is not to become what some call a helicopter or bulldozer parent. Most importantly, do not ask questions that you already think you know the answer to, or at least be able to accept an answer you did not expect.
Why mentor?
There is an element of ego, to be sure, yet ultimately it isn’t about the mentor as much as the end results and increased potential you get to observe. It is possibly the truest measure of impact, even over the direct accomplishments we each can have in our lives, to know that we have started a sustaining chain reaction supporting that ‘pay it forward’ result.
Deb Shannon
World traveler, volunteer, and mentor Deb Shannon and husband Dan.
Following her retirement as Executive Director of the Chicago Child Care Society with a three-week hiking adventure in New Zealand with her husband Dan, and a week of volunteering in Chiapas, Mexico with Dan and daughter Sarah, Deb Shannon is clearly not showing signs of slowing down. She just recently returned from her adventures abroad to a calendar filled with volunteer projects here in Chicago.
A former adult education professor, Deb also taught team-building and working effectively in groups through a private sector project. Professional experience and natural empathy have made Deb a most effective mentor.
What makes a good mentor?
A good mentor needs to be willing to spend time with the mentee in ways that are important and meaningful to that individual, and be very familiar with the various dimensions of the mentee’s life and experience. I was a mentor in the Junior League’s Next Step program. My mentee was 18 years old, and she and her daughter lived with the grandfather in Bronzeville. I needed to get to know the grandfather, the neighborhood, and the house where she was living. She was in a tough environment and I couldn’t have imagined the dimensions if I hadn’t seen it and experienced it for myself.
A good mentor helps the mentee set an agenda. In this case, our mission was to support these teen moms in graduating high school and going to college. As I got to know her, I learned that she really wanted to be able to care for her daughter, and that immediate employment was more important to her than the delayed, bigger job that might be attainable if she made it through college. In the end, we were able to tap into a job-training program, something that didn’t fit the Next Step model but did fit her. I had to let go of my aim, something that’s not always easy to do.
Have you had mentors?
I have had a few mentors throughout my life – one I particularly remember mentored me when I was in my thirties. We worked closely together and she was smart, compassionate, effective, and successful. She saw potential in me and was willing to be ‘frank and earnest,’ which were actual terms we used in relating to one another.
What do people what from a mentor?
Most people are very capable, resourceful, and able to manage their own lives. We all need a mentor from time to time to help us sort through complexities and figure out paths to take (and ones to bypass). We want someone we can trust to be in our corner.
What do mentors have to take care not to do?
I believe it’s important to not let your ideas and goals take the place of the mentee’s ideas and goals. A good mentor asks questions to help clarify, and offers options and alternatives without pressure to accept them.
Why mentor?
I view mentoring as a way of giving back. Mentoring also keeps me on my game. It forces me to look beyond myself and to put myself in another person’s shoes. It keeps me relevant, more open, and more able to engage with a wide variety of people and activities.
Each an important leader in Chicago, Vicki, Chris, and Deb have approached mentoring professionally from the legal, medical, and social service perspective, as well as informally for many years. And each has found such profound joy in the practice.
As Chris Straus shares, “Do not fail to have fun and enjoy the process and opportunity. Many often start by thinking of these efforts as work and in all reality it is the exact opposite. You are invariably volunteering your time and your payoff is nearly impossible to imagine.”
